I wish I could write that the feeding pump was just the ticket and that things have quieted down. However...
Despite being on barely a drip rate of food during the day and water at night, Collin's retching is as bad as ever. It actually feels worse, because any patterns we thought we had picked up on have disappeared - he retches at all times of the day and sometimes for no reason that we can detect. Also, it seems to be getting harder and harder to get retching episodes to stop once they start. The GI/Aerodigestive appointment in Cincinnati isn't until next Thursday, so aside from calling the doctor to request a trial run of Zantac or Prevacid before our appointment, we have officially entered Survival Mode.
We're no strangers to Survival Mode at this point, but we still always enter it reluctantly and usually later than we should have. It involves changes both logistical and mental: asking for more help from family and friends, receiving more help from family and friends, letting go of commitments, expecting less of ourselves, accepting that things are different and not ideal for the time being, and trusting that we won't need Survival Mode forever.
That last point is the biggie. As professed believers in a good God who knows and loves us, we're always working out what it looks like to have faith when circumstances continue to be crushing. We're certainly not the ones to preach a sermon on this, as it's the kind of thing that's pretty messy and not very inspirational when you're in the midst of it, but we do know this: that even though it feels like the stress will break us and that there is no help in sight for Collin and that things will never be back to our 'normal' again, the truth is that God is working even this very hard thing for our good and that no amount of hardship can change the most important things: who God is, who we are in relation to him and to each other. It doesn't change how we feel right now, but we believe it's true anyway.