Monday, December 21, 2009

Future and Now

We are still seizure free, folks. That makes almost a full week. And boy is it great. There's nothing to make you appreciate your 'normal' life like hundreds of scary seizures.

Collin took advantage of his downtime this week to grow another 3/4 of an inch in ten days. I am not even kidding. He's right up on the growth chart again (hugging the bottom line, but still on it!) and sometimes I look at Kyle holding him and wonder who that little boy is.

I have to be honest and say that this brings up mixed feelings for me. It's wonderful to see Collin growing and healthy. I think of how small and frail he was at the beginning and feel so thankful for his robustness. But it's just not easy to have a ten month old who is starting to look like a big boy but still can't hold his head up like a six week old can. Who can't roll over and can't sit up and can't eat and can't hold anything in his hands. It makes my mind want to run off into the future and stick its thumbs in its ears and wiggle its finger and stick out its tongue at me and shout mean and scary things that are probably not even true. And I have to reach out and grab my mind by the arm and give it my 'look' and sit it in timeout until it can play nicely. When time is up, we have a little talk about why it got put in timeout and I explain to my mind that it is not allowed in the future because it doesn't belong there - Future is not a safe place because we can't see it or understand it. We have to stay here in Now and pay close attention to all of the awesome things - like Collin's new sounds and the way he likes to touch my face recently. And we have to stand here in the hard things and not try to run away (because, really, there's no place to go anyway) and feel how it feels to have awesome things and hard things at the same time. That way, when Future gets here, it won't be scary anymore because it will be Now and we will have lots of practice with living in all kinds of Now.

5 comments:

  1. That was really helpful for me. It's a difficult practice, but there are lots of good reasons to get better at being in Now instead of Future.

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  2. Listen, next time I say you let the Champ take a turn at Future because anybody who can grow 3/4 of an inch in TEN DAYS will lay some serious hurt on any trash-talking Future. ;)

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  3. Annie - now that the tears are gone...Collin's future is in God's hand. Every day I am praying for his progress. With being seizure-free, perhaps Collin can concentrate on growing and not only touching his mom's face, but pulling her hair as well! I will continue to pray and pray and pray...

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  4. Congratulations on a seizure-free week!! And I totally agree with what Sarah said. :) Living in Now is hard when we just want to know if it's going to turn out okay in the end, but I think you're very, very wise to do your best to live life as it comes right now. I have faith in you, and I'm praying for you!

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  5. Wise advice. And I may have to learn your "look" :) Here's to a very merry Now. Enjoy your first Christmas together, and here's a big Cheer for a seizure free week.

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