You know what's annoying? People who have kids and then all of a sudden think that it's okay to discuss their child's bowel movements in polite company. Sick.
So, today I took Collin to the ophthalmologist. And I was going to write about the waiting room that is strategically placed so that you can hear the baby before you screaming its head off in the examination room because of the eye speculums, or about the eye speculums themselves, which look like something the government would not allow in an interrogation, or maybe even about the award I presented while I was there for 'Crabbiest Office Staff On Earth.'
But guys. I was sitting in the pre-waiting room waiting room (they have a series of three, those sneaky dogs) trying to make Collin smile, when I reached down to adjust him in my lap and stuck my finger up to the second knuckle in the poop that was bubbling up out of the back of his pants and onto my jeans. And he smiled, all right. I jumped out of the chair and looked around wildly, but even though there was a sink in the room, it was too small to put Collin in it and there were no paper towels anywhere to be found, not to mention any flat surfaces that weren't covered with eye gizmos or fancy eye drops. So, in a panic, I laid him down in the examination chair and started frantically pulling tissues out of the box on the counter. By the time I got his clothes off, there was poop from his feet to his hair, including his face, and a smear the size of a serving platter on the examination chair.
It was at this point that the nurse stuck her head in the door to summon us to the next waiting room. Either she was busy or she had to go hurl from the smell in the room, but she didn't stay long.
I used every tissue in the box and every wipe in the diaper bag, plus three disposable diapers to get him, me, and the chair wiped down. Then I squirted my hand full of sanitizer and drenched everything in it, threw Collin's clothes in the trash can, took out the bag, tied a knot in the top, and went to see the doctor. I couldn't get the smell of poop out of my nose and my hands were stained yellow.
Don't judge me.
The rest of the appointment was surprisingly smooth. Collin likes to mix things up by doing awesome at the things other babies freak out about and then making the supposedly easy things incredibly complicated. He laughed when they put the speculum in instead of crying. He was like, "Oh! This is what things look like when you open your eyes all the way!" Also, he is getting less farsighted and we may even have to weaken his glasses next time we go. A doctor's appointment with good news! Novel idea.