Today was hard. Collin seizured it up like we haven't seen since before we started treatment at all. On top of that, something has messed with his stomach this week (I don't know, maybe one of the six meds he's on?!) and, since he can't throw up because of his Nissen wrap, he's retching all the time (imagine the biggest, scariest dry heave you can and you have a good picture of what that's like). Then I was chatting with my friend Caitlyn this evening - a wonderful young lady I've known since she was a precious little two year old in my lap - and we were discussing our summers and I shared with her how it's been hard for me while we've been working to get Collin better. And she replied "Yeah. But are you happy?" I was pierced and baffled. And I realized that I am. I'm happy to be Collin's mom and to be caring for his many needs and playing with him whether he wants to or not. I'm scared out of my mind and broken hearted most of the time, but I'm also happy.
My dear friend Michael got married today to a beautiful woman and listening to their vows got me thinking about the intensity of this paradox Kyle and I are constantly living in. The vow says 'in sickness AND in health', but only 'for better OR for worse.' As though it's an either-or thing. You know, in good times and in bad. Life is full of ups and downs, but one follows the other, right? I guess we weren't prepared for the better and worse to happen at the same time; for the best part of our life to be the most excruciating. But everything is for better and worse right now. My parents came today to visit and take care of Collin, and when Kyle and I got away for a walk on our own, we spent most of the time on the phone with the neurologist and discussing Collin's treatment. We got take-out pizza for a fun Saturday dinner and then sat around the table crying with my parents about the hardships and blessings of our situation. We thank God for providing for us in this situation and we plead for it to stop. We counted Collin's seizures while I was singing him to sleep.
But that's just our life right now. And I wouldn't do it with anyone else.